A History Of Bad Dates

Usually, it's chicks who have major shit to kick regarding rotten domestic partner "dates", but in our case, I'm the roach in the fondue pot of romance. I can't even blame the kids because I was screwing things up long before there were any kids to blame! It's not like I want to ruin the infinitesimal portions of "us time" that we get, but it is invariably my bad, so to speak. We always celebrate our wedding anniversary on the day after Thanksgiving because I am terrible with dates and we got married the day after Thanksgiving, so why not hook the two events up if that will help me to remember that we actually did get married at some point in time. This year I thought I had it all goof-proofed by accepting a very generous offer extended by a couple of friends of ours to take the kiddies on an evening adventure so Husband and I could go out to dinner and a movie, something we haven't been able to do for a very long time since we got on the Baby Train. I researched movie times and planned everything out carefully and discussed it all with Husband so he could greenlight everything. On Thanksgiving Day, I broke from my usual behavior and ate a ton of food, so much that I put myself into a Food Coma for the rest of the day and woke up Friday with a major Food Hangover in the form of the worst tummyache in my personal history. I couldn't imagine riding in a moving vehicle, let alone eating dinner anywhere but the Antacids section of a Walgreens. So our "romantic anniversary" consisted of Husband periodically holding back my hair and fetching me cups of peppermint tea in between watching his Battlestar Galactica miniseries in the living room while I writhed around on the bed within hitting distance of the porcelain goddess. Sadly, this is just the latest in a series of disastrous non-outings produced by something stupid I did/thought/felt/didn't do. Early in our marriage, before the Baby Train pulled out of the station, there were several incidents that cemented my propensity to mess things up without meaning to. During the heat of the summer, we went out to lunch at the local Chinese restaurant and then went to the movie theater next door and waited in line in 100-degree heat to buy tickets. When we went from the 100-degree outside into the 70-degree theater lobby, everything started to fade away and get far and wee and I passed out cold in the theater doorway. Some light patting from Husband brought me around enough to realize that I was going to be very very sick in the immediate future, so I dragged myself to the nearest trash can and yarked my guts out while astounded children and parents stepped over my prone form and the theater manager wrung his hands and offered to call for an ambulance. Husband assured him that I did not need an ambulance and carried my semi-conscious body out to the car and drove me home while I cried out of absolute mortification. The concensus was that too much MSG, caffeine and heat had caused the event. A few weeks later, the same exact thing happened, minus the yarking but including passing out in the theater hallway, taking an innocent bystander down with me as I clawed my polyester blouse open (I would have gotten the bra off too if Husband hadn't stopped my impromptu strip show). That time I insisted on staying for the movie because it seemed smarter to stay in the freezing-cold theater instead of lamming it back out into the heat. I don't remember anything about the movie, but I do remember that Diet Coke never tasted so good. After that, I always wore loose, cotton clothing and carried water with me when we went to the movies in the summertime, so it wasn't until I was eight months' pregnant with our son that another movie theater incident ocurred. I was expecting something to happen because it was July in Texas so it was hotter than the hinges of Hades, but I really wanted to see this particular movie(Artificial Intelligence) so I shoved all my fears down and soldiered on. By this time that theater manager knew what he was dealing with and provided me with a stool to park my pregnant butt on while Husband procured tickets and soda, but even that stool didn't stop me from graying out just a bit and I kept that trash can handy just in case. We made it into the theater without any actual passing out or throwing up (I'm sure the theater manager was relieved) but after the movie was over, some wag behind me bellowed "That was the dumbest movie I've ever seen!" I was awash in tears (eight months pregnant, emotional storyline and Haley Joel Osment at the bottom of the ocean for a thousand years--you bet I was crying!) and so I turned around and started hollering at the guy until I was gently dragged away by my ever-patient Husband. After our son was born, it was difficult to get out to the movies at all, and a lot of times I was just too tired to go but reluctant to say anything until the last minute, which is when my Husband adpoted the attitude not to anticipate or get excited about any outings until we were in the car and well on our way because there was a good chance that I'd flake out. That was a good attitude to take, because all through my second pregnancy I had serious morning sickness and was not about to venture into a situation where there was an 80% chance of public vomiting. Now that our daughter is two, the concept of getting out to the movies together is actually feasible, IF I can get someone to babysit and IF one or both kids isn't incubating some ghastly illness and IF I'm not exhausted from running around holding a potty chair under our daughter's small rear end and IF a whole bunch of chaos factors decide to give me a break. I really thought I had it knocked this time. I hadn't considered that I might eat myself stupid!

Extreme Makeover--Horror Picks

I ran across two flicks yesterday that had really great ideas and/or set-ups, but ended up being less-than-great due to short-sighted production choices. It's Makeover Time!

The Funhouse (1981) Tobe Hooper directed this very simple story about four teenagers who decide to spend the night in a carnival funhouse, witness a murder, then attempt to escape the perpetrators. The idea is a great one and the flick manages to achieve some real tension and pathos, but not in the places one would expect. This flick deserves to be remade, amping up the relationship between the Surviving Virgin and her little brother and the relationship between the Bad Dude and his family. Setting a horror flick in a funhouse is a great concept that the filmmakers did not have the time or resources to fully explore.

Idle Hands (1999) While destined to become a cult classic because of the cast, which includes gorgeous Jessica Alba, hilarous Seth Green, incredibly gifted Elden Henson and always watchable Devon Sawa, the fantastic idea of someone having a demon-possessed hand got lost in a mishmash of not-believeable character relationships, one-liners and general booger-flicking teen-movie shenanigans. A remake would probably not fix these problems, but making a television series out of it might provide the amount of time required to explore the history of this particular demon, who chooses the laziest person it can find, takes control of his or her hand, and goes on a killing spree, dragging the rest of the person along against his or her will. I just felt like the story got chopped off (bad pun) when it came to generating good reasons for the characters to do the things they did. Also, I adored the character of the Airstream-trailer-driving, totally focused demon hunter, played to the hilt by Viveca A. Fox. What I really wanted to see was now-one-handed Devon Sawa boarding that Airstream with Debbie The Demon Hunter to continue the search for Demons Everywhere, guided by his two angel pals (Seth Greean and Elden Henson).

Pick O' The Flicks--Odd Horror Plus

Dueling Bloggers! Not really, but my favorite movie-reviewing sister posted a list of her Top 50 Horror Flicks (www.celluloitering.blogspot.com) Most of the flicks she picked I would have picked as well--she knows her stuff, she does--so I thought I'd add to her list with a few flicks that she didn't include but I would have, and a few just-plain-strange flicks that most sane people have probably forgotten all about.

The Omen (1976)--This movie still scares the pants off me. Richard Donner pioneered the modern American "set piece death scene" in this flick, the best example being David Warner's amazing decapiation with a sheet of glass.

Brain Damage (1988)--Tagline: "It's A Headache From Hell!" Actually, that's not strictly true, as anyone who has unearthed this weird little movie knows. Average-guy Brian finds himself saddled with a strange little penis-shaped pal named Aylmer who squirts joy-juice into his head so Brian will be happily out of it while Aylmer eats other people's brains. Aylmer has a funny sort-of British accent, for some reason. Oh, and he likes to sing. Frank Henenlotter writes, directs, produces and provides the voice of Aylmer under an alias.

Bug (1975)--I slept with the lights on for weeks after seeing this flick when I was a kid. Basically, Bradford Dillman discovers some truly ugly mutant alien bugs that eat ashes and set things on fire whenever they feel like it, sooooo he decides that the really really smart thing to do would be to allow them to mate with regular Earth cockroaches in an old diver's helmet. The Late Great William Castle, Master Of Maximum Marketing Ploys co-wrote the script and took a giant cockroach on a tour of theaters showing the flick. Jeannot Szwarc directed, so there are lingering pullaway shots of Patty McCormack all grown up (and on fire), and emotionally intense, sweaty close-ups of Bradford Dillman observing the roaches getting it on.

Theatre Of Blood (1973)--Vincent Price plus Diana Rigg plus William Shakespeare equals a majorly creepy-silly flick. There are some truly distubing scenes in this movie, not the least of which is Diana Rigg in reverse drag.

Hostel (2005)--American college students are busily pissing all over Amsterdam when they hear about a hostel in Slovakia that is supposedly jam-packed with loose hotties, so of course, they just have to go and get a piece! The first half of this flick plays just like any other piece of vintage slasher crap. The second half will have you on the edge of your seat, and possibly puking into your popcorn. Eli Roth, aided by whispers from Quentin Taratino and lots of influence from Japanese horror master Miike Takashi, presents a flick that exposes just exactly how clueless Americans are about attitudes and living conditions in other parts of the world. This movie is a must-see for any horror maven.

Misery (1990)-- "I'm your number one fan!" Novelist Paul Sheldon has the bad fortune to get into a car accident in the snowy Colorado mountains and be "rescued" by his "number one fan" Annie Wilkes, who is, to put it mildly, crazy mad insane. Directed by Rob Reiner and written by Stephen King and William Goldman, Misery is incredibly frightening and incredibly funny at the same time. Kathy Bates won an Oscar for her portrayal of Annie Wilkes, and she earned it!

Saw (2004)--While Saw smells strongly of Seven (1995) it manages to be original in the execution. The character of "The Jigsaw Killer" is probably the coolest Bad Dude since Michael Myers busted out of the funny farm. His reasons for putting selected subjects into situations in which they could live or die depending on their reaction to the "fight or flight" instinct are ostensibly philanthropic and provide a mirror for the current plague of "diseases", addictions and bad choices excused by a social climate that doesn't just tolerate, but actually celebrates victimhood. The film even gives "Jigsaw" an arc of competency, as his first attempts at creating "teaching" situations are fundamentally faulty. It isn't until someone actually survives one of The Jigsaw Killer's games that he is able to recognize that his subjects require the sounding board of social interaction to enable them to recognize his message. First-time director James Wan made this movie at a lightning pace "on spec", which is to say that he took no up-front cash for his work, and the script managed to draw stars like Cary Elwes, Monica Potter and Danny Glover.

Videodrome (1983)--David Cronenberg's tale of media exploitation was way ahead of its time, as many of Cronenberg's movies are. Now that "reality television" is on every channel in some way, shape or form, it's not difficult to see where Cronenberg was coming from, particularly when it comes to shows like Survivor, in which the participants either rise or sink to whatever occasion is concocted for them by the network. The visual effects in Videodrome are remarkable for the time, and still pack a punch today.

An Annoying Autobiographical Pause--I was a huge special-effects makeup fan when I was a teenager, back in the days before CGI took over from good old-fashioned latex and corn syrup. I'd watch any piece-of-crap flick if it featured makeup by Tom Savini, Dick Smith, Rick Baker, Werner Keppler, Stan Winston, William Tuttle or any other major makeup magician. Great makeup has catapulted many a crappy movie to cult status(Friday The 13th--I'm looking at you!) Here are a few flicks that are awful, awful movies with fantastic makeup effects:

The Incredible Melting Man(1977)--Makeup by Rick Baker. An astronaut survives a terrible space accident and becomes a blood-craving, human-being-shaped Jell-O mold. Remarkable ONLY for the amazing makeup effects achieved by Rick Baker, but they are truly remarkable, especially when you consider that a great deal of the movie is shot in daylight.

The Burning (1982)--Makeup by Tom Savini. This flick has incredibly good makeup and some really interesting death scenes that were achieved using inventive and never-before-used techniques. Also, it features Holly Hunter and Jason Alexander, both of whose characters actually survive, which is a departure from the usual Everyone Dies Save One philosophy adopted by most slasher flicks.

Pumpkinhead (1989)--Makeup by Stan Winston. A breakout flick for robotic effects. While Winston is not credited for makeup, all of the special effects artists were trained by him, and it is rumored that a number of the special-effects devices were taken home and retooled by Winston because they weren't up to his standards. Lance Henriksen, at his oily best, stars as a father who summons a vengeance demon to avenge the death of his son, only to turn around and try and stop it while he has Eyes Of Laura Mars flashes of the hideous grueling deaths of the people he wanted to kill in the first place.

It's Alive (1974)--Makeup By Rick Baker. Mutant killer baby runs wild in New York City. This awful movie, written and directed by Larry Cohen, is basically saved by Rick Baker's amazing makeup and creature creations, although it manages to achieve true pathos for about twelve seconds at the end.

The Stuff (1985)--Makeup by Ed French. Tagline:"Are you eating it, or is it eating you?" Another flick from auteur Larry Cohen. Ed French pioneers camera techniques that have since been used in modern classic horror flicks such as Nightmare On Elm Street. Also, there are some neat uses of pneumatic devices combined with stop-motion photography.

The Alligator People (1959)--Makeup by Dick Smith. A terrific example of Dick Smith's early work, The Alligator People is really all about the makeup and set a standard for makeup and special effects in the schlocky quick-flicks of the 1960's.

Maniac (1980)--Makeup by Tom Savini. This flick is so bad it is nearly unwatchable, but for the prosthetic effects and magical cinematic sleight-of-hand. However, it is flicks like this that paved the way for decent movies like Henry:Portrait Of A Serial Killer. It also paved the way for a slew of rip-off-flicks that follow the formula of Guy Gettin' Revenge For Terrible Childhood And/Or Gross Bodily Mutilation By Teenagers. Shot and released within weeks of Friday The 13th, Maniac has much better makeup effects, probably due to a major dose of mojo brought on by the rush of creativity generated by the challenges that Friday The 13th presented for Tom Savini. The highlight effect is a gunshot-to-the-head achieved using a plaster-lined latex head mold of Savini himself, a load of chicken guts and a real shotgun. The Mythbusters would be proud!

Now that I have two small children, I don't get out to the movies very often and rentals tend to favor Pixar and Disney instead of hard-core modern horror offerings. Besides, I have to be in a certain mood to absorb a horror movie that I want to hit me with everything it's got the first time I see it and truly, after a day of wiping orfices, breaking up arguments over what crayons taste like and picking up teeny-tiny toy shards I'm not really up for seeing someone's viscera thrown about with abandon. I got lucky when my husband rented me Hostel--the kids were on a sleepover with Grandma and he had little interest in watching the film so I was able to watch it alone, in the dark, for maximum impact. After reading about some of my sister's horror picks that I haven't seen, I really want to go and rent 'em and send the kids to Grandma's!